Dun dun duuuunun

Whenever someone starts a sentence off with "unfortunately", nothing good can come after it. And that's exactly what Shirley said to me as she explained that I could not go on to work for Touchette. I thought that by now I would be all out of tears but nope they are flowing down my face like a a popped fire hydrant on a hot summer's day. I thought it was mine. I KNEW it was mine but oh how I was mistaken. I can't keep a job even when it is put in my lap.
So tonight I will drown my sorrows like I use to and then it's a fresh start. Fresh start for what idk. But something's gotta give soon. Maybe I'll pick the camera up again, maybe I'll start writing that memoir (lol), maybe I'll go buy probability for dummies but some things have to change.

And the Wall Comes Tumbling Down...

After this past week and the last 19 months of my life I feel like I owe it to myself to have at least one truthful and emotional post free of backspaces and edits. So here we go...The past 19 months have been a journey in self-discovery for me. I've learned so much about myself that I never knew. Like my biggest fear is disappointing those around me. After 2007 and my escapade with the School of Business, I knew that I had reached a low point in my life. I often cried alone in my room because the toll of those last 3 months of that year wore on me but no one would never have known. I pretended that everything was ok when in reality I was too embarrassed to express my true feelings. Everyone said that everything would be ok and I believed them and I went on with my life, got a job and pretended everything was fine. Deep down I was hurting. I had spent the last 3.5 years of my life trying to be the person that my parents wanted me to be and not the person I was. Actuarial science, whose idea...my daddy's. Howard University, whose idea...my momma's. Where was I in all of this? Who am I? Somewhere behind the mask there I was afraid to be in front, in control. Then came the 2008 Howard graduation. The closer it got the more my heart hurt. I was supposed to meet a very close friend of mine's family but I couldn't. I didn't have the heart to and for that I am very sorry (you know who you are). I cried at the airport in the bathroom on my way home on May 7th. I felt that I had let myself down in such a huge way and that nobody could begin to understand how I truly felt. That following summer I sank into a mind numbing stupor. Everyone was moving on with their lives and I was stuck in two sessions of summer school and working at a dead end job. It flew by and luckily my bff was with me or idk what really would have happened. The summer ended and it was time for me to face my reality--moving back home with my parents after 4 years of independence. At first, I thought it would just be until the end of the year and that some job would come through. I started the process so optimistically, then August became Labor Day, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas. The more I was rejected for jobs the more upset and rejected I became until I became callous to the whole situation. I had become stagnant and unproductive. And once again I sank into numbness resorting to late night escapades with Lucy and my friends--she was becoming more of a way for me to forget than a recreation. Then came substitute teaching. I never wanted to do it but I needed some money. The first couple of months were ok but I was secretly hoping that a real job would turn up soon and so Inauguration became Mardi Gras and then came graduation. I had become content. I had money to support my habits-smoking, shopping and travelling. But when April rolled around it was a reminder that I had failed myself. And the fact that they were pressing me to walk made the situation worst. I became despondent and nonchalant and very agreeable. Like so many other facets of my life I just rolled with the punches instead of standing up for myself. I was breaking down on the inside. I often cried alone when people weren't home or when I was in the shower just thinking of the outcome of my life until that particular point. All of my friends had everything going for them..jobs, school, families. It left me feeling like I was missing out on so much. After graduation, I went to NYC for a couple of days with my buddies and had the time of my life. I was carefree and happy and it was something that I needed for my sanity. Then came the summer. Once again, I was jobless but it wasn't too bad. I had Bartholomew and the Y. Endorphins are a hell of a drug. But summer nights came and went. And while everyone else got up in the morning to go to work I slept in the basement until mid-afternoon. I was ok though. I occasionally looked for jobs but there was no urgency. Then August came and my one year anniversary of being home. I became sad. And realized that within a year I had done nothing that I wanted to do besides going to visit friends. The letter came in the mail asking if I was considering come back to sub for the 2009-2010 school year and as much as I didn't I checked yes I would be returning. August became Labor Day, and Thanksgiving, and Christmas all over again. Then there was Mardi Gras. And then there was March 25th. It was the last of my 90 days to sub in District 189 and I broke down. I cried alone, in front of my parents and grandparents. I felt sorry for myself and I felt like a disappointment because I was still jobless and I had such high expectations of myself. Maybe I was jaded and disillusioned. You always see the graduates on tv and they're like I'm going to work for this company, I got accepted into this program, blah, blah, blah. And that's not how reality is. It's tough. It sucks at times. I moped around the house and stayed blown out of my mind as to forget that all of this was happening to me. And now it's like I've let then down all over again. I've cried so many times in the last week and what for because it doesn't solve anything or make the situation better. It's more of a release of anger and frustration than an act of remorse. I'm not sorry for how I have spent my last 20 months. I have thoroughly enjoyed the good times with my awesome ass friends but that car ride at the end of the night always reminds me that I have to go back to my reality while they go back to theirs. So as I sit here and listen to Clarity, I remind myself that sometimes you have to hit the bottom before you ever realize that there is a better and brighter day around the corner. You just have to be patient and know that you will get yours when it is your time. And my time might not be today, tomorrow, next week, or next month, but it's coming.

What to Do?

It's been a hard couple of days for me. I am pretty much over the whole job hunting thing. I think that I am just going to start studying for that God forsaken exam. Yes, I've decided to settle. I know it's not like me but sometimes you have to bite the bullet and that's what I'm going to have to do. I've got 19 days to get a lead and then it's a probability book and flashcards.